Here I am

I have been sick for weeks now. So long I quit talking about it and just decided to be quiet for a while. The diagnoses keep rolling in…..strep, bronchitis, pneumonia, mono….. Mono at 42. Really?! All stuff you get because your immune system gets overwhelmed and allows you to catch things that you would normally fight off without even knowing it. I gave up trying to figure out what was the chicken and what was the egg and surrendered to bed. I have slept and slept and slept. My parents have had the kids A LOT. Lots of friends have helped get the kids around and dropped off fluids. I was 100 percent dependant on others for a whole week and guess what, it was OK, everyone lived. Who knew the world would keep turning without me?!

There was one night I really thought I might die. My fever was so high I couldn’t talk and call out for help. I could only shake and talk to God. In my shaking and quaking haze I felt heard, which is very reassuring now that I’m lucid. I always wonder if my faith is real enough to sustain me, or will the sciencey parts of my brain leave me wanting and it is nice to realize it is. 

I’m a little better everyday. Still winded climbing one flight of stairs, still shaking with fatigue from a short trip to the market, still sleeping a lot. But appreciating life in a new way. I was beating myself up this winter for my fat legs, wrinkled face and gray hair. (Winter and I aren’t friends, really!) Now I feel proud of the same body for being able to drive to school and pick up a kid. I bragged to the nurse that I hadn’t fainted since Sunday. Bragged like it was 10 miles on my fitbit. I am loving this chunky wrinkled mess of a body because it is ALIVE. 

Thankfully, I’m really not going to die. I’m going to get a little better everyday. Two of my mommy friends, women I have served school snacks with, sat on sports sidelines with and watched our kids get bigger with have died of cancer in the last three months. Their story stopped before they were finished writing it. My story gets to go on. I’m moving forward like a fat, white, snail that has been run over by a Vespa but I’m still going. 

And I’m appreciating it after having lost my way for a bit. I’m taking this complete and total ass kicking for the lesson that is is. People will help me if I ask, the kids are fine in a lord of the flies sort of way without me and in the valley of the blind the one eyed man is king. I am enough even when I’m not so much. 

*****sidenote: when no one provides for my children, LieLie cooks meatloaf, Brussel sprouts and fried eggs then does the dishes.  Finn eats nothing but Easter candy and cereal out of the box while demolishing the house like a gleeful honey badger.  

Here is a live shot of me typing this post while lying in my bed. Look at faithful nurse! 

Ps: no one has volunteered to bath my nurse…….


7 thoughts on “Here I am”

  1. Jana I am so sorry to hear you’ve been so sick!! I knew something was up because I was missing your blogs!! You are a survivor girl!! Through and through!!! I amalso so sorry to hear about your two friends lost too soon!!! Many prayers for you to get your strength back and enjoy this beautiful weather!!

  2. Yeah, you’ve improved enough to take a sickbed selfie! That’s progress!!! Glad you have local family and friends to help take care of you and the kiddos so you can focus on getting healthier and stronger, my friend! xoxo

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